Simulated Entities Contained Relatively Easily. Terrific!

Jelle van Doorne

A friend of yours told you about a certain game. A game that, according to him, was 'totally mind-blowing' and 'funny as shit', all at the same time.
It was called 'Simulated Entities Contained Relatively Easily. Terrific!', and before any force had the capability of stopping him, he started to rant.
<i>"It's all about secrets, bro,"</i> he told you in a raspy, exasperated voice. <i>"You know, like Mario. And Dark Souls. And Metal Gear Solid. And..."</i> He momentarily grew silent, clearly trying to think of more examples. <i>"...Secret Life."</i>
You told him that wasn't a game. He said it will be.
Usually, you're not one to buy into this kind of spiel. However, the game turned out to be free, so you didn't have to!
After downloading 532,837 kilobytes of concentrated digital media, you grab your controller and boot up the game. Your computer screen is entirely pitch black, save for two small white dots in the center.
You press the A button.
You press the B button.
You press the Y button.
You press the X button.
You press the Right Control Stick.